I am so tired.
My son has started at secondary school. Homework only starts when I come home, and can last up to two hours. Work for me is exceptionally busy, seeing me on my feet for hours at a time. I am weary these days, I have eyes full of dust and a brain full of wool. Oh lord, get me to Friday.
It’s Friday. I made it. I got through the interviews, and the meetings, and the work, and taking care of my son, and now it is Friday. Today, my son went to spend two weeks with his father, and I will get to sleep.
His father lives with his parents, and has since we broke up, which was in 2021. He exploded our lives with viciousness and resentment; he had in fact been doing that for years, but had never pointed it at my son. It was an ordeal for me that had been going on for the best part of a decade.
But then he did it to my son.
My son. He was his father, but he was/is my son. I took care of him, I fed him, I worked from 5am during Covid so I could take of him, I dealt with all the schools. I was the parent. My then husband was also in the house.
When he did that to my son he screamed at him, yelled at him, then walked out of the room as calm as a swiss knife returned to its slot, leaving a terrified child and myself in freeze/fawn mode, but aware that something was very wrong.
I am not going to talk about that tonight.
It is years later. He still lives with his parents, a situation I approve of as at least I know there are two other sane people in the house. I will speak to him every night on the phone. It’s alright. It’s all alright.
He will be out of the house for two weeks. I will work, work out, and get to cry a lot. I will get to think about myself for a bit, and just… rest. The music can change tempo, be slower, kinder, more reflective.
You know you have lived a life not many would chose when the idea of being alone is so utterly restful and kind, so peaceful!
Peace, just peace.
Good night all.
How are Things? 