How are Things?

Tag: divorce

  • Monday 1st December 2025

    Tonight I heard ‘Technically Missing’ from the Gone Girl Soundtrack. It is a piece I haven’t heard for close to three years, and hearing it again is like listening to an old argument. The piece is the music to Amy Dunne’s monologue of blue-flame rage against her husband. Both of them are as unpleasant as each other. Amy is not as clever as she thinks she is, her plan of revenge goes awry once it meet the real world. But the presentation of her rage is not sniggered at in the film, and that has made it unique.

    For myself, the music is almost a call to arms. Caught up as I was in the approaching black hole that was my ex-husband’s mental illness, the permission to be angry was an inspiration. Anger removed the freeze I was in. Anger made me move, made me plan, made me decide that enough was enough. Anger provided propulsion that got myself and my son out and away from the sickening sliding hatred of his father and into our own safe space. Anger was clear.

    I have been feeling a lot of anger lately. I have had a lot of time away from my counselor, and that may have had something to do with it. Nevertheless, I am enraged a lot of the time and I don’t think that I want very much to lose my anger.

  • Sunday 9th November 2025

    Today my son had a play date. He met up with a friend from his gym and they went bowling.

    What was impactful to me was seeing the family home of his friend. Being in a family home hurts me. There were photos of smiling children on the wall. Rooms where things could be stored, and cared for. A fire place to rest in front of. And a husband, who wanted to be there. Who didn’t hate everyone and everything. Who didn’t hate his wife so much he became mentally ill. There were cheerful children who didn’t have their shoulders up, spines spiking with fear. There was a happy life being lived there.

    I’ve been sad all day, since.

  • Tuesday 7th October 2025

    Today, my boss told me that her deputy will be joining us for all meetings.

    And she also said that she would be unavailable due to a medical procedure from this Thursday.

    Now, what do you make of that?

  • Monday 6th October 2025

    So, I am back in the somewhat sagging saddle. The charm that is work is the main priority for the moment but I am going to make something of this other side of myself. So I need to devote time, and passion, and interest in this. But that means staying up past 11, when I have been awake since 5am.

    So what? Did anyone say it was going to be easy? No, not a single one.

    But my life has been a series of wrong moves, brought about by a need to ‘make something of myself’. I need to find a pathway of accord, one that brings a new level of peace, rather than another dust covered thirst-inducing road that is empty of any meaning at all. I want flow, not force.

    Today I was back in it, exercising, showering, work. My context is off, though, I don’t recall the things that seemed so important. I met with my man from an old time, and I was aware that I had thought of him after our last conversation. No, that’s not true. I had dreamt of him. I dreamt of my loneliness ending. That’s not a euphemism, I dreamt that I was no longer lonely. I woke up aware that I was lonely.

    But the idea of a relationship is a horror.

    I am going to write up some notes. And then I am going to bed.

  • Monday 4th August 2025

    It is August, already. I have found that, as my own cognition improves, I’m drawn more and more to the mental structures of rationality. I am reading the Glass Bead Game, listening to Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, rereading the Stoic principles.

    The positive or negative thing about such pleasant structures is their supposed ease of access. Here, says the Universe, is a method of being Rational/Logical/Stoical, or whatever term is appropriate. Now you can be Rational/Logical/Stoical. Never once does Rationality appear to say, sorry, this is not for you. It does not have any layers that are inscrutable, or beyond you. It merely provides a method, and away you go.

    To use it daily, is to question both the data I take in, and the technique I use to examine it. It means that I am forced to move so slowly over material facts like a glacier taking over a new piece of material; I have to take in the fact, then correctly use the technique with regards to it.

    I wanted to take in and consider the next five years. My son will be 18 by then, and I’ll be 57. Considering that it always takes longer to reach a goal or target than you think, and that cognitive bias is a factor nearly impossible to avoid, setting small targets seems sensible. It is also sensible when you consider the destruction to the West, and to the area North of Africa; the world is going to look very different in five years.

    More on this tomorrow.

  • Thursday 31st July 2025

    If you’re reading this, you are probably imaginary. No one is reading this; the stats remain flatlined, like the heart readout of a patient in a TV ER show. “I’m sorry, Doctor … we did all we could.” So you reading this, are all in my head. A busy bespectacled professional, hoisting a leather notebook out of a satchel, wondering how my day went today. A mom with the sound of happy children coming from another room. A wise old woman, long silver hair in plaits, patchwork quilt to work on as my words go on, a view of old trees outside the window.

    The last day of July. Here comes the commencement of the march towards Autumn, and what I suspect will be a very hard winter for the world. How has my July been, and this rare, unique time that I now exist in? My son is away from the house, with his father and the man I do not like to think of, not least as my ex-husband. I get more than four hours sleep. I exist in a schedule of my own making. I am rested. Unrushed, for me.

    I think that it has taken me days to get to this state, where my pre-frontal cortex is alert enough to contemplate and reflect properly. I need to use this time to think, to really think, and to remind myself of who I am. Who I want to be.

    There is an art to strategy, to ruminating, and it is about time I got back to it. I should sit in the back of the cave and think for a while, the choice to do so won’t be given to me forever.

    One last thing to think tonight; going without sleep makes you stupid, upset, and unable to plan. Get more sleep.

  • Friday 25th July 2025

    It’s Friday. I made it. I got through the interviews, and the meetings, and the work, and taking care of my son, and now it is Friday. Today, my son went to spend two weeks with his father, and I will get to sleep.

    His father lives with his parents, and has since we broke up, which was in 2021. He exploded our lives with viciousness and resentment; he had in fact been doing that for years, but had never pointed it at my son. It was an ordeal for me that had been going on for the best part of a decade.

    But then he did it to my son.

    My son. He was his father, but he was/is my son. I took care of him, I fed him, I worked from 5am during Covid so I could take of him, I dealt with all the schools. I was the parent. My then husband was also in the house.

    When he did that to my son he screamed at him, yelled at him, then walked out of the room as calm as a swiss knife returned to its slot, leaving a terrified child and myself in freeze/fawn mode, but aware that something was very wrong.

    I am not going to talk about that tonight.

    It is years later. He still lives with his parents, a situation I approve of as at least I know there are two other sane people in the house. I will speak to him every night on the phone. It’s alright. It’s all alright.

    He will be out of the house for two weeks. I will work, work out, and get to cry a lot. I will get to think about myself for a bit, and just… rest. The music can change tempo, be slower, kinder, more reflective.

    You know you have lived a life not many would chose when the idea of being alone is so utterly restful and kind, so peaceful!

    Peace, just peace.

    Good night all.

  • Monday 21st July 2025

    Good evening all. I’ve become so used to this blog it is beginning to feel weird if I don’t make a daily entry. Today, I woke up so tired I was at one quarter power, and honestly my entire body and soul was begging for rest. Instead, I got up, late, did my exercises, slowly, and got myself into work.

    I hate the fact that my son is now old enough for me to leave by himself. He has a fully charged phone, and he has a person who calls in, but it is two hours after I leave, and my eager imagination creates all manner of disasters to happen the moment I leave.

    The day itself seemed to beg me to stay home. We had torrential rain from about 5am onwards and it didn’t stop until at least 10am. There is always a part of me that worries about those who have to deal with that; animals made starving by climate damage, homeless people with nowhere to go. It is the case that I now know that such well meaning wishes don’t do anything concrete except make me forgive myself.

    Work was brought to us by the words ‘Coffee’ and ‘Perseverance’. I brought the huge number of emails down from 120 to 30, and then turned to the questions for tomorrow. Tomorrow, we hold interviews for folks wishing to join my team. I went with the flow last time and had to deal with a frankly less than pleasant personality. Tomorrow, I aim to get the best person possible for the team.

    The evening was salmon for dinner, lots of laundry done, and listening to the rain. Hope you’re not out in bad weather, wherever you are. Sleep well.

  • Saturday 20th July 2025

    My brother woke me early to find out what happened. It was so early that it woke me up; and seeing as I am up between 5am and 6am during the week it wasn’t very much what I wanted.

    Anyway. Today my son and I took my niece to see a movie. She lives thirty minutes away, and the movie theatre is another thirty minutes, so we had to head out around 12.30pm. Then pick her up, and then over to see the movie at 2pm. The movie tickets cost approximately $39, and snacks beforehand cost roughly the same. We were going to see Jurassic World Rebirth, and I think it was my son’s fourth time seeing it; maybe fifth?

    My niece has had a hard time. A hard life, really. She went through a really bad event as a teenager, and then had an eating disorder that derailed life for several years. She picked herself up, and got her degree. She met someone, and they fell in love. And then just the other day, the person she loved didn’t want to be with her any more. Her heart is broken, but she is keeping going. And we wanted to spend some time with her.

    And she hated the movie. For some reason they played it too loud, and there were points of sadness in it right from the beginning, and to a wounded heart it was all too much. We left after about thirty minutes and dropped her home. I’m only sorry I couldn’t give her a better afternoon, but I am proud of my son for coping so well with it. He really wanted to share this experience with her; but when he couldn’t, he was an absolute gentleman about it.

    Then we got the groceries and he turned into a teenager.

    My son was in the worst kind of teenage mood all afternoon and evening. At the till I asked him to swop one sliced pan for another, and he had nearly a fit at the burden I was placing on him. I honestly was trying not to have a huge argument with him right then and there.

    We got home, we got dinner into us, and then, finally, he got some rest in bed. I managed to not do anything very productive all evening, and it is appallingly late as I type. And now, I’m going to go to bed.

  • Thursday 17th July 2025

    Things that happened today:

    So I made it into work, determined to ignore any and all calls for intervention, assistance or emotional support. Only to receive a WhatsApp message: The horrible abuser had been cast off! Really and truly! The relief was huge, and it was amplified when a third party told me that horrible abuser had been told to stay away from exactly the type of environment we all work in. As in, part of his probation was to stay away. And he’d been here! Several times!

    Honestly, I throw up my hands at this. In no way was ANY of this a good idea; going out with horrible person or my getting involved in the whole nasty thing. Colleague is blind to a dangerous degree to firstly allow this and then to lie about it. He is immature and dangerously so.

    Strange behavior from a colleague, this time from another unit. She claimed there was construction work going on so could she us e an adjunct office. Yes she could but she is disingenuous, and I wonder at all of this.

    And finally, I and Young man spend the evening together with my niece. She has broken up with her partner and I can see their influence decreasing on her heartbreak.

    Enough drama. So to sleep.