How are Things?

Tag: desire

  • Saturday 23rd August 2025

    Right, so this is a strange one. The YouTube algorithm put in front of me this morning some nonsense reel. It was a short for a film, you were supposed to go and download the app to watch the rest.

    The video showed a man and a woman standing close together, in what look like book stacks. He has his hand over her mouth and he whispers something to her in a low voice. What he said was, “Do you want this?”

    And she nods her head.

    And for some reason I have been locked in on that moment all day.

    Finding anything that gives me a thrill is akin to locating a pearl in a mountain of oysters. The image of them both, clearly strangers, clearly abrupt and opportunistic, clearly no emotional connection at all, repeats in my head over and over again.

    I made all my appointments today, finished my chores, rested. And still here it is. My head has been writing and rewriting that moment over and over again. My education has taught me that this is a lowering of one’s self, that it is an escalation of a base instinct and therefore best resisted.

    Would you be surprised if I told you that has made no difference? Instead, I have wished for just such an encounter, a convenience in a library, a whispered, rushed exchange, that asked nothing of me and satisfied, was thrilling even in its lack of sophistication.

    Well. You don’t have to be a genius to see the attraction.

    Teenagers aren’t the only ones to be dumb.

  • Sunday 13th July 2025

    This morning, I awoke. In more ways than one.

    I was married for 13 years, and the divorce took four years to work its way out. That was June 2024, in a ritual in a court that was an anti-marriage. Do you not take this man? I do not. Is the marriage retrievable? Like a precious passenger that fell off a raft on a fast-moving river, with no chance to grab or collect it, or even mourn it being gone- No, it was not. Then it was over and I was travelling home on public transport, my voice and face as mute as other passengers, both sad and free and happy and released all at the same time.

    Then other things came that summer. No chance to rest or retrieve, just keep moving.

    It is really not until the return of Spring that I felt I could breathe out. Music and art, the record of others’ joy, no longer disgusted me. My fears lessened. My panic lessened. My heart became to calm. And now, I find my own music grows at times. My rhythm can contain more than one beat, and my soul isn’t so icy.

    The hot night begat a hot morning. Various thumps and whimpers from neighbors spoke of their desires being met, and I found myself actually understanding, even identifying, for the first time for years.

    And yes, I mean years.

    I’m no one’s idea of attractiveness. And I certainly am deeply uninterested in inviting anyone into my life. But this is another sign of healing quietly making itself known to me, when I feared it was not possible to ever return.

    I’ve just ensured that this blog will always be anonymous, it seems. I hope to write again tomorrow.