How are Things?

Tag: blog

  • Thursday 10th July 2025

    A confession; I am as white as boiled rice. The sun and all its works wring me out more thoroughly than linen on a washer board. Yesterday saw me moving across town, until I gathered my son and two of his friends to go see a movie. It went well, which was a relief; as a boy with autism friendship isn’t a certainty. But getting home by 6pm with the weather in the 70s saw me drained far beyond my capacities. I made dinner, and then I tidied up, and then I felt myself more empty than a dry gas tank. I was in bed by 8.40pm, and slept hard until 4am. I want to call it moral decline, but honestly it’s sadder than that; it’s old age.

    Today, with all my hours of sleep behind me, I still felt exhausted. But up and at it, at 5am. Not all things got done, but all things were attempted, even when I wanted to give up.

    I even managed to have lunch with my sister. We rarely if ever get together. Her daughter, my niece, has been through hell and back, and now has had her long term partner break up with her. The weight of the sadness I know she is going through… The gift of today was seeing my sister again, though. Salads and chats, and catching up. Plans and hopes for the future, especially when I thought once it might never happen.

    Afternoon, I had my online session with my counsellor. We talked over the week, my exhaustion, and possible plans for change. I have sought out so much change recently that I hesitate. I doubt myself. I would love new pastures, but only if they’re pastures, not battlefields. I want everything to be All Right. Which of us don’t?

  • Tuesday, 3rd of June 2025

    It is 5.34am again; I have slept little, for some reason deciding to stay up late for no good reason. Added to the cat deciding to throw up at 4.30am, I’m back at the land of extreme tiredness. The main symptom is thought that lacks any real depth, and an elevated heart rate, all day. I’ve learn to not make decisions or take offence on those days, the main goal is to get to bed early.

    During Covid days were like that. You had to slide through them without connecting or touching to anything happening, just allow the events happen in front of your eyes without any emotional connection. It took a lot for that to change and to act on what I was seeing.

    The day today will be going through the motions; I am a person who built her world on motions so that will be no problem. I have a less than fantastic administrator to assist me. Their work is fine, they just lack any politeness. I will get through the day, get home, make dinner, and get to bed by 10pm, no arguing. I have to get an online meeting, but I will merely watch with no other distractions, I won’t do other than listen.

    On the phone to my brother this weekend, for the usual hour, he asked why I get up so early. Only men ask you to justify your decisions. My son and my work take up all my day, and I am obliged to get up early to make time for myself. To him, it is firstly perfectly okay to ask that question, and secondly he has so little understanding of the work it takes to keep another person going, alive, thriving, that he wonders at the structure my life takes because of it.

    Only five more minutes and my time of discussion is done; I received a wedding invitation via dm in February and didn’t realise it. The bride contacted me yesterday to see if I was coming, and when I checked the invitation was her child’s drawing. It looked so like a child’s drawing I ignored it, and didn’t see it was in fact her wedding invitation. The event is at a house in the country, and I would in fact have to cancel a medical appointment and attend, by myself, knowing no one and being without any means of getting away should the event become too much. And, as I don’t drink, I would be very poor company for everyone else.

    Good luck today to you, anyone that comes across this. You deserve a very good day.