Monday 6th October 2025

So, I am back in the somewhat sagging saddle. The charm that is work is the main priority for the moment but I am going to make something of this other side of myself. So I need to devote time, and passion, and interest in this. But that means staying up past 11, when I have been awake since 5am.

So what? Did anyone say it was going to be easy? No, not a single one.

But my life has been a series of wrong moves, brought about by a need to ‘make something of myself’. I need to find a pathway of accord, one that brings a new level of peace, rather than another dust covered thirst-inducing road that is empty of any meaning at all. I want flow, not force.

Today I was back in it, exercising, showering, work. My context is off, though, I don’t recall the things that seemed so important. I met with my man from an old time, and I was aware that I had thought of him after our last conversation. No, that’s not true. I had dreamt of him. I dreamt of my loneliness ending. That’s not a euphemism, I dreamt that I was no longer lonely. I woke up aware that I was lonely.

But the idea of a relationship is a horror.

I am going to write up some notes. And then I am going to bed.